The language of death

When people share with me how their loved one died, I hear different words that ring true to them, such as “he was killed,” or “she passed away,” or “we lost her.” We choose words that feel comfortable or safe. And it’s ok to use the same words as the person you are trying to support. (I talk more about the language of death and loss in my book.)

Working as a hospice volunteer since 1995, I’ve been by the side of people who died. Using the word “died” may seem morbid to you; however, the reality of the word “death,” as harsh as it may seem, is often the word that helps people accept it.

Yes, it’s difficult to talk about or learn about death, but we all, at some point, face the end of life. Everyone has a personal responsibility to become informed about end-of-life care options, including medical treatment and support services that are being offered in your community. You may want to learn for your own life path, or for the support of a loved one.

When we are proactive, we reduce the stress associated with not knowing what to do when difficult times come. We can actually create a memorable experience that will never be forgotten.

Take charge of the journey.

Laurie

STOP “IT” from Owning YOU! - Divorce 1.0

Love and respect

It’s always important to appreciate and respect the rights of individuals. In crisis, we all respond differently, and that’s ok.

Everyone has the right to:

• Put him/herself first. (Have respect for space and privacy. Constant wanting to “be in the know” can be overwhelming.)
• Make some mistakes.
• Have his or her own convictions and opinions.
• Change his or her mind or decide on a different course of action.
• Protest unfair treatment and criticism.

The common conflict

Many people with a serious disease feel a conflict between maintaining a positive attitude toward the disease and knowing they will have to accept that they have a serious disease.

Some people adopt a “fight it” attitude. Others prefer to avoid a win-lose approach, and think of the mind and body as one, like a team that works together to deal with life’s needs, day by day.

The presence of a terminal disease has the power to strengthen healthy family relationships, or to shatter already weakened ones. It can unpredictably bring out the best in some people and in others, awaken emotions they just can’t handle. Some people are uncomfortable discussing death or dislike witnessing emotional displays of grief.

The range of emotional reactions is wide. Just look at the list below.

• Curiosity
• Closeness and openness to others
• Love
• Hope
• Disbelief
• Loss
• Anticipatory grief
• Guilt
• Erosion of trust
• Denial
• Responsibility
• Persistence
• Sadness
• Loneliness
• Jealousy
• Annoyance
• Feeling trapped
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Appreciation of the gift and value of life and of others

Are you facing serious disease, supporting someone with illness, or providing end-of-life care? Have you protected your rights or had them violated? What emotions stand out for you, or overwhelmed you?

I hope I can get you thinking, or start a conversation, or gift you a small gift in these posts. Please share your thoughts.

Laurie

– Ann Lamott

Today I was compelled to write a “food for thought” blog post and start a guide for those of you who have a lover, spouse, colleague, friend, or family member who is facing a serious illness.

As a trauma specialist and grief companion who has walked alongside hundreds of people who have experienced the death of a loved one, I know you have questions, and what those questions might be.

A friend of mine, age 26, was told she has six months to live…and the journey has begun for her and her loved ones.

The time is right for me to share tips for you to consider – tips that will help you be better prepared for helping others…or understanding your own needs.

What do I do to help?

Usually, one of the first conversations I have as a hospice volunteer involves “what do I do to help?” People tell me things like, “my friend doesn’t want to see me anymore,” or “I think I should stay away.”

Do not feel alone. I’m going to provide a few suggestions.

10 helpful tips for supporting others:

1. Be sincere about what/how much/when you can commit to help or visit. Stay committed when you offer a date and time. Show up.
2. Food can be “food for the soul;” however, ask if food is already being delivered to the home. Sometimes people are inundated with food.
3. Ask if the family would like help with errands or household tasks. Tell them you want to mow the lawn. Say, “I am going shopping today. What do you need?”
4. Give thoughtful gifts. Consider self-care or pampering products, music, or handwritten notes.
5. Your presence is a wonderful gift. Sometimes, a friend may just want to “be” with you in silence.
6. Stay in touch by phone or email. These tasks can use up a lot of energy, so don’t be disappointed if you do not hear back immediately.
7. Be helpful to the partner or family member who is living with the person facing illness. They can be forgotten.
8. Don’t be afraid to have courageous conversations. Know that sometimes that means you just stay silent.
9. Ask your friend if he or she wants to look through albums or create a memory book.
10. Spirituality may be a big part of your friend’s life. If you don’t share the same or similar beliefs, just allow your friend to be in the driver’s seat with their perspectives. You are not there to influence.

If you wish to share additional suggestions that have helped you, I would be very appreciative.

Next time we’ll talk about respect and wide-ranging and conflicting emotions.

Best wishes for the day,

Laurie

Good day and welcome to Flight 2013. We are prepared to take off into the New Year. Please make sure your attitude and blessings are secured and locked in, in the upright position. All self-destructive devices should be turned off at this time. All negativity, hurt, and discouragement should be put away. Should we lose altitude under pressure, during the flight, reach up and pull down on positive thinking! Positive thoughts will automatically be activated. Once activated you can assist other passengers. There will be NO BAGGAGE allowed on this flight. The captain has cleared us for takeoff. Destination – GREATNESS.

I hope that you all have started this new year with the attitude of the person who wrote this! Take advantage of that fresh start feeling that comes with a new year.

Take flight!

This terrible and terrifying loss of life and innocence has brought to light a common myth surrounding trauma, crisis, and loss in our society. That myth is “time heals.”

No. It’s what we do in that time that heals us. Do we sit in denial? Do we keep our emotions inside? Or do we do the work of grief and become an active participant in our own healing?

Here are a few tips to help you help yourself and others, including the children in your life:

• Talk honestly about your feelings and what’s bothering you. Let others talk about their feelings and listen with your heart and whole being. Cry. Remember that there is no single “right way” to mourn and no time limit on mourning. Seek out a good friend to share concerns, views, and questions. If you or someone close to you needs extra help coping, find that help.
• Think and talk about the good in the world. Acknowledge the way people have come together, shown deep caring, and supported each other. Perhaps we treasure our families and friends just a little bit more. The strength of the human spirit is truly immense, and I have seen people move through and beyond incredibly tragic circumstances.
• Keep going as best you can. Maintain your routine.  Life had structure before and still does.  If you need a break to think and feel, don’t fight it – make the time. Mourning is done in doses.
• Devote time to family and friends – and yourself. Give yourself permission to be good to you. Balance work, play, and rest. Exercise, eat balanced, healthy, regular meals without overeating, and get enough sleep. If you can’t sleep, don’t force it, and avoid stimulants like caffeine.

These events change us forever. They bring out our biggest fears and remind us of past losses. There is usually an initial intervention and time of helping, but the effects may continue for a long time. Like a drop into a still pool of water, the ripples spread.

But you can heal. We all can.

Take care, everyone.

Some of you know that I donate some of the proceeds of my book sales to charity. It’s one way I give back to my community.

And here’s another! On Saturday, November 17, from 2:45 to 5 p.m. at Islington Golf Club, I’m hosting a fundraiser for two special and deserving organizations: Wellspring and Sleeping Children Around the World.

I’ll be doing a talk and launching my book, and my talented saxophone-playing friend Dave McLaughlin will be treating us to some of the most amazing jazz music you will ever hear. Please arrive by 3 p.m. for the beginning of the program.

Please come! All the details are in my flyer, including the link to buy tickets and RSVP.

Looking forward to this so much. Many thanks and hugs,

Laurie.

It sounds a bit contradictory to what we tend to believe about brain controlling body, but it’s true.

In Olympic years like this one, we learn about and admire athletes with remarkable drive and focus as they realize their dreams on a world stage.

What do people say about them?

They have heart. They followed their passion. They truly love their sport.

Are you missing opportunities to follow your heart? Or are you embracing those chances to feel excited, energetic, passionate, committed?

What are you doing that makes you just plain happy?

Let me know how you’ve followed your heart, and it doesn’t have to involve four years of daily training!

Have a day filled with heart!

Laurie

• An employee in your organization commits suicide.
• The wife of a deceased employee complains that you didn’t handle her husband’s death as you should have.
• A much-loved employee loses a gut-wrenching battle with cancer.

These are not situations you want to think about. This is not the typical subject matter of the manuals you keep on your bookshelf. But death can and will come into your workplace.

You don’t have to scramble. You can have a plan. You can even train your team to be comfortable in the most uncomfortable situations. You can be an extraordinary leader.

Please read my post on Charity Village: “Dealing with death in the workplace.” It will get you thinking about how to prepare for the tough stuff, handle a death, and ensure you have a supportive environment for your people. Sometimes you go with your gut and that leads you astray. It’s important to have training and a plan to guide those gut feelings.

Have you had to handle your organization’s response to a death? Have you lost a dear colleague at work? What do you think was done well, or not so well?

As our understanding of human nature has evolved, we’ve presumed a lot about grief and bereavement. In fact, popular theories speculated that the grief process was:

• Linear – you went through specific phases and stages
• Predictable – there were estimated time frames for each phase
• Orderly – you progressed from one stage to another in a pre-determined order
• Finite – once you went through all the stages, your grieving was finished

It is now widely understood that no two people will ever react the same way, even to the same incident. Each grief journey will be unique. Even people who experience the same loss will grieve differently.

I’m often asked point blank, “How should I grieve?” My answer? There is no defined way to grieve. It’s as individual as you are.

What is your experience? Has someone tried to tell you how to grieve? Have you seen different people react in vastly different ways to the same loss?

And here’s a bit of news.

Join me as I facilitate the workshop called “Taking CHARGE of your grief”
Thursday, April 19
6:45 to 8:15 p.m. (registration and refreshments at 6:30)
Bereaved Families of Ontario, 33 City Centre Dr., Mississauga
Please register by April 16 by calling 905 848 4337
Non BFO members
BFO members
This seminar is designed for individuals who have experienced the loss of a loved one and are willing to create changes to feel better.

Make today a wonderful one!
Laurie